I have been suspicious of store-bought sentiments ever since my husband dashed out at 11:50 PM last Valentine's night, only to bring home a glittery card, in Spanish, which read "Happy Birthday, Grampa!" So I'm proposing a few new categories to meet the needs of our future lifestyles. These are "Gay's Special Days Cards" "When you care enough to give the very weird."

UNDER THE HEADING CONVALESCENCE OR FAMILY PLANNING--WOMEN
Some might have taken a great vacation
But I hear you got a tubal ligation
Congratulations!


AND FOR THAT PAUSE THAT REFRESHES
I hear you've reached that time of life
But you're not growing older
You're still growing in many ways
Like hotter, colder, hotter, colder.

ON PAYING OFF THAT MORTGAGE
"Mortgage" means "death pledge"
But you made it to ninety.
I'll bet it feels good
To have it behind ye.
Congratulations on paying it off!

ALIEN ABDUCTION
Your recent abduction
Must have seemed like hours
Sorry you were probed
Without benefit of flowers.

INHERITANCE
Come join the reading of Aunt Martha's will
Of course we are terribly greiving
Not so much that Martha's gone on--
But at the pile of junk she is leaving.

ON YOUR SUBPOENA
I just sent the glad news today.
So I'll have to make this short.
If there's a knock on your door
Be sure to respond.
I'll see you next week in court.

WHEN LOVE GOES SOUR
They say we're all longing to jump that fence
Where the grass just looks much greener.
Remember all the places he never took you.
And take him to the cleaners.

I'M GAY DAVIDSON-ZIELSKE
HAPPY SENTIMENTS DAY!

(hair implant)
Spring has sprung, the grass has riz
Your new hair weave should be great for biz.

(on the birth of your cloned children)
I hope this doesn't cause a rift
But I couldn't afford to send separate gifts.
Congratulations on your bundles of joy.
Sixteen perfect baby boys.

Bad Hair Day
Sorry about your hair
But don't think about that
Consider Mr. Clean's plight
Either that or buy a hat.

Tax Freedom Day
Up until this moment
Your work has been for others.
With social security in such a mess--
Now, you're working for your mother.

On Finishing your Dissertation for the Ph.D.
We know it'll soon be gathering dust--
In the library under "Sleepers"
But at least you finally got initialed
"Pile it Higher and Deeper."

Fighting with Your Spouse
In the doghouse again?
Well, hope you don't stay bitter.
Console yourself that you're still in a house.
And not in the kitty litter.

OR

So he thinks the grass is greener there
And he'll be in the clover?
Remember the story about what's under the bridge
And gently nudge him over.

Late Christmas Decoratioms
One thousand twinklers and the creche besides!
Eight tiny reindeer with angels astride 'em.
But the best thrill of all for all us neighbors
Was the Easter thunderstorm that fried 'em.

-Gay Davidson-Zielske


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