WHAT TO SAY TO A RAPE SURVIVORStudies estimate that as many as one in three women may be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. As many as one in six men may be survivors of sexual violence. Many survivors report that a supportive reaction from the person to whom they first disclose the story of their abuse can be a vital element in their healing process, regardless of the eventual outcome of the disclosure. A negative or insensitive reaction can compound the damage of the victimization and have an adverse effect on the healing process. Sometimes it can be hard to know what to say to someone who has been the victim of a sexual assault. It can be hard to find the right words to express caring and empathy, especially if you have multiple priorities and duties as an officer responding to the scene of a crime, or if you are speaking with someone in the crowded lobby of a law enforcement office on a busy night. Here are some guidelines to help facilitate communication and healing with someone who was raped. Think of it as basic first aid.
DO:
1. Communicate these points:
2.Be a good listener. This may mean finding a quieter place to talk, and letting someone explain what happened at her own pace and in her own terms, if it is not an emergency.
3.Give her (or him) as much control as you can over the situation during the disclosure. Ask her how she wants to be treated, especially when doing anything that may violate her personal space, for example:
4.If you are involved in questioning the survivor about the sexual assault, ask questions like "Did he put his penis in your mouth?", not "Did you put your mouth on his penis?"
5.Assist her in getting the help she wants or needs. This may mean providing phone numbers, information, transportation, etc.
6.Remember that it is essential for a rape survivor to regain control of her life and that she must feel that she is able to make her own decisions. It is important for you to allow her the time and space to make decisions, and then support them even if you don't agree with the decisions she has made. This might mean waiting before you proceed with an investigation, or letting her have some time to think it over. Remember that she may have to testify in court about what happened to her, and that's not a simple or easy thing for a rape survivor to do in our society.
7.If she feels guilty for not fighting back, tell her that no matter what she did when she was raped she acted in the best manner she could. Fear often paralyzes people. If she "cooperated" or submitted to an assault, that does not make her a willing participant. Tell her you are glad she survived, and submitting to an assault is a form of self-defense too.
8.Tell her that you do not believe it was her fault. No one deserves to be raped. This is especially important in cases of acquaintance rape. Survivors place even more blame on themselves than society does, and a non-judgmental, supportive reaction from a role model like a police officer can have a positive effect as women (and men) later work through issues of self-blame.
DON'T:
1. Ask why questions:
(Remember every time you have a "why" question, there is another way to ask it, and it is okay to explain your reason for needing the information. "Why" questions always feel blaming, even if they are not meant that way.)
2. Give advice, or try to tell the survivor what she (or he) must do.
3. Tell the survivor what you would have done.
4. Ask her if she did anything to "lead him on."
5. Ask her what she was wearing without explaining why you need to know. Tell her that it doesn't matter what she wore, she still did not deserve to be raped.
6. Blame the victim.
7. Imply that it wasn't a "real" rape because she knew the man who assaulted her.
Reprinted with permission. Rape Victim Advocacy Program, Iowa City, IA
