"Friends" Raping Friends: Could It Happen To You?

Although acquaintance rape if often a spontaneous act, many are planned, some days in advance, others in the preceding hour(s). Some men plan to have sex with a woman even if they have to force the issue. Such a man may have forced sex before and gotten away with it. He usually looks for victims who are unassertive; perhaps someone who is not very popular and would be flattered to go on a date with him. Needless to say, these men do not see themselves as repeat rapists; they are merely "out to have a good time."

Alcohol and drugs are sometimes a significant factor in date rape. Many victims say later that they drank too much alcohol or took too many drugs to realize what was going on; by the time they realized their predicament, it was too late. Sometimes a woman passes out and awakens to find a man having sex with her. On the other hand, some date rapes occur when alcohol is not involved or when the victim has had little or nothing to drink but the man has been drinking and becomes sexually aggressive.

Mixed signals are another element in date rape. The woman acts in a friendly manner; the man interprets this friendliness as an invitation to have sex. "No" is heard as "maybe" and even a strong protest can be ignored under the delusion that women say "no" when they mean "yes." Some men find it sexually exciting to have a woman struggle. If the woman protests only mildly, the man may think he is merely "persuading" her, not forcing her to have sex. (He may think the same, however, even if she protests vigorously.) Sometimes a woman is not clear in her own mind about what she wants or she may think she will make up her mind as she goes along. If she changes her mind at some point and decides not to have sex, the man can feel cheated, rejected, and angry. He may be interpreting her nonverbal messages, such as her enjoyment of kissing and caressing, as meaning that she wants to have sex with him. At this point he may decide he has been teased or misled and "deserves" to get some satisfaction, regardless of the woman's wishes. The result can be rape.

There is no one cause of date rape; although, there are usually three key elements involved: socialization, miscommunication, and/or changing sexual mores. One major element of date rape is a lack of consideration for a woman's rights and wishes.

In a general sense, traditional male and female roles in society are part of the problem. Men are taught at a very early age to be aggressors. They participate in aggressive team sports, are encouraged to be competitive, not to give up, & to keep on trying. They are encouraged to have strong sexual feelings and to experiment with their sexual satisfaction as a part of their masculinity. This environment which encourages men to be competitive and get what they want often leads to a belief in the "right to have sex." Women on the other hand are socialized to be more passive, dependent, to be peacemakers, to avoid scenes, and to be "lady-like." They are discouraged from experimenting with their sexuality: "Good girls don't fool around." This double standard allows men to have sexual feelings and act on them; in contrast, a woman is allowed to be sexual primarily when she becomes "carried away" with emotion.

Communication between men and women is often problematic, especially in the realm of sex. In a first sexual encounter with someone, some women may say "no" when they mean "maybe" or even "yes," and men have been taught to try to turn that no/maybe into a yes. Thus, it is sometimes hard for men to know when "no" really does mean "no." Women, on the other hand, don't want to agree to sex too readily for fear they will be seen as "loose" or "easy." Misperceptions abound; a woman thinks she is merely being friendly, but her date thinks she's signaling willlingness to have sex. Furthermore, stereotypes about women as passive and submissive can foster a climate for sexual assaults.

The last few decades have seen a general change in sexual standards. With the advent of the birth control pill, many people are sexually active in high school and college. Thus, many college-age men may expect sex as a given after they have gone out with someone a few times. Sometimes the woman shares this expectation, but sometimes she does not.

A man may believe he is entitled to sex when he has spent money on a date. Anothers may believe that if a woman is sexually active, she will willingly have sex with anyone, including him. The AIDS epidemic has definitely had an impact on sexual relations; however, it has not changed the power imbalance between men and women.

Acquaintance rape is not a crime of passion, or merely a result of miscommunication. It is often an attempt to assert power and anger. Some men are sexually aggressive because they are basically insecure.

Forcing sex on another person makes them feel strong because it makes someone else feel weak. Rape is violence against a woman. It is an issue that strikes at the heart of the personal relationship between a man and a woman, how they treat each other, and how they respect each other's wishes. People who respect others do not coerce others to do things they do not want to do.

Note: Men can be victims of rape and have the same rights to counseling and legal action as women do.

·Stay calm and think. Figure out what your options are and how safe it is to resist.

·Say "no" strongly. Do not smile; do not act friendly or polite.

·Say something like "Stop it. This is rape." This might shock the rapist into stopping.

·Assess the situation. Figure out how you can escape. Are there any other people around?

·Look for an escape route. If you can figure out a way to distract him you can sometimes escape.

·Act quickly, if possible. The longer you stay in the situation, the fewer your options.

·Ask yourself if it is safe to resist. This is a critical question. Women who fight back initially, who hit and scream, have a much higher chance of avoiding the successful completion of an assault than women who plead or try to talk their way out of the situation. Nevertheless, resistance will depend on one main question: is he armed?

·If the man is ARMED, then try to talk him out of it or try passive resistance (pretend to faint, throw up).

Your options are obviously a lot more limited when the man is armed with a weapon. In those situations you are taking your life in your hands if you decide to fight back. It may be possible to run away if he is distracted, but only do this if you are reasonably sure you can get away.

·If the man is UNARMED, then you have many options, including:

fight back physically--punch him in the Adam's apple, poke your finger in his eye, hit him with a lamp or another item, or kick him. Fight so that you can escape, as it is difficult for most women to incapacitate a man. Resistance may discourage the man or convince him that it is too much trouble to continue. Resist only as long as it is safe to do so. If resistance is dangerous, stop.

·run away. There is no shame in escaping a dangerous situation.

·say you have to use the bathroom, and then leave.

·shout "fire." If you shout "help," some people will tend not to want to be involved in someone else's problem. "Fire" concerns them, and they are more likely to respond.

·use passive resistance.

·use intimidation (lie; tell him your male roommate is on the way home; tell him you have herpes or VD).

·try to talk him out of it--try to appeal to his humanity, his sense of decency.

·gain his confidence so that he might let his guard down and you can escape.

·try to get him to see you as an individual person. Make him aware of the effect he is having on you. Tell him he is hurting you.

You can't always avoid date rape. Nevertheless, there are some things you can do to minimize your chances of being raped.

Examine your feelings about sex. Many women have been socialized to believe that sex means that they will be swept away with the emotion of the moment or that they can "make out" and then decide whether to say "yes" or "no" to sex later. The problem with this kind of thinking is that it gives too much control to the other person.

Set sexual limits. It is your body, and no one has the right to force you to do anything you do not want to do. If you do not want someone to touch you or kiss you, for example, you can say "Take your hands off me," or "Don't touch me," or "If you don't respect my wishes right now, I'm leaving." Stopping sexual activity doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you, or that you're not a "real" woman.

Decide early if you would like to have sex. The sooner you communicate firmly and clearly your sexual intentions, the easier it will be for your partner to hear and accept your decision.

Do not give mixed message; be clear. Say "yes" when you mean yes and "no" when you mean no. (The ability to be assertive can be developed by training and practice.)

Be alert to other unconscious messages you may be giving. Men may interpret your behavior differently from what you intended. Often women and men send strong nonverbal signs of willingness to enter a sexual relationship and unintentional signals that might conflict with their words, and thereby contribute to sexual assault. Be aware of signals you send with your posture, clothing, tone of voice, gestures and eye contact.

Be forceful and firm. Do not worry about not being "polite." Often men interpret passivity as permission; they may ignore or misunderstand "nice" or "polite" approaches. Say something like "Stop this. I'm not enjoying it," or "Your behavior is not encouraging an open relationship between us." If a woman ignores sexual activity she does not like, a man is likely to interpret that as tacit approval for him to continue. Men are not mind readers.

Be independent and aware on your dates. Do not be totally passive. Do have opinions on where to go. Do think about appropriate places to meet (not necessarily at your room or his), and, if possible, pay your own way or suggest activities that do not cost any money.

Avoid falling for such lines as "You would if you loved me." If he loves you, he will respect your feelings and will wait until you are ready.

If things start to get out of hand, be loud in protesting, leave, go for help. Do not wait for someone else to rescue you or for things to get better. If it feels uncomfortable, leave quickly.

Do not do anything you do not want to just to avoid a scene or unpleasantness. Women have been socialized to be polite. In an effort to be nice, they may be reluctant to yell or run away or escape being attacked. Do not be raped because you were too polite to get out of a dangerous situation. If you are worried about hurting his feelings, remember: he is ignoring your feelings. Be aware of how stereotypes about women may affect your behavior. Accepting beliefs that "women shouldn't express themselves strongly" or that "anger is unfeminine" make women more vulnerable.

Be aware of specific situations in which you do not feel relaxed and in charge. Unwillingness to acknowledge a situation is potentially dangerous and reluctance to appear oversensitive often hold women back from responding in the interest of their own safety. For example, avoid attending or staying late at parties where men greatly outnumber women. Don't be afraid to leave early because it might seem rude. Situations where there are few women around can quickly can out of hand.

Trust your gut-level feelings. If you feel you are being pressured, you probably are, and you need to respond. If a situation feels bad, or you start to get nervous about the way your date is acting, confront the person immediately or leave the situation as quickly as possible.

Be aware that alcohol and drugs are often related to acquaintance rape. They compromise your ability (and that of your date) to make responsible decisions. If you choose to drink alcohol, drink responsibly. Be able to get yourself home and do not rely on others to "take care" of you.

If you are unsure of a new acquaintance, go on a group or double date. If this is not possible, meet him in a public place and have your own transportation home.

Have your own transportation, if possible, or taxi fare. At least for the first few dates, this establishes your independence and makes you appear to be a less vulnerable target.

Be careful when you invite someone to your home or you are invited to his home. These are the most likely places where acquaintance rapes occur.

Avoid secluded places where you are in a vulnerable position. This is especially critical at the beginning of a relationship. Establish a pattern of going where there are other people, where you feel comfortable and safe. This will give you a chance to get to know your date better and decide if you wish to continue dating him.

Examine your attitudes about money and power. If he pays for the date, does that influence your ability to say "no?" If so, then pay your own way or suggest dates that do not involve money.

Think about the pros and cons of dating much older men. Although they may be sophisticated and have the money to treat you well, they may also be more sexually experienced and may therefore expect more sooner.

Socialize with people who share your values. If you go out with people who are more sexually permissive than you are, you may be perceived as sharing those values.

Unfortunately, a nice, normal man can turn into a date rapist. However, there are some men who are more likely to be sexually aggressive than others. Watch out for...

...men who do not listen to you, ignore what you say, talk over you or pretend not to hear you.

...men who ignore your personal space boundaries.

...men who express anger or aggression towards women as individuals or in general. Hostile feelings can easily be translated into hostile acts. Such men often get hostile when a woman says "no."

...men who do what they want regardless of what you want. If a man does this in little ways--for example, if he makes all the decisions about what to do and where to go without asking your opinion--then he may also be likely to make the decision about whether you are ready to have sex with him.

...men who try to make you feel guilty, or accuse you of being "uptight" if you resist their sexual overtures.

...men who act excessively jealous or possessive.

...men who have wrong or unrealistic ideas about women (for example, "women are meant to serve men"). Such men are not likely to take your objections seriously.

...men who drink heavily. A "mean drunk" can often get sexually aggressive, angry or violent if he is rejected.

Patty: "I knew Bob from my statistics class. He's cute and we are both good at statistics, so when a tough midterm was scheduled, I was glad that he suggested we study together. It never occurred to me that it was anything except a study date. That night everything went fine at first, we got a lot of study done in a short amount of time so when he suggested we take a break, I thought we deserved it. Well, all of a sudden he started acting really romantic and started kissing me. I liked the kissing but then he started touching me below the waist. I pulled away and tried to stop him but he didn't listen. After a while I stopped struggling; he was hurting me and I was scared. He was so much bigger and stronger than me. I couldn't believe it was happening to me. I didn't know what to do. He actually forced me to have sex with him. I guess looking back on it I should have screamed or done something besides trying to reason with him but it was so unexpected. I couldn't believe it was happening. I still can't believe it did."

Bob: "Patty and I were in the same statistics class. She usually sat near me and was always very friendly. I liked her and thought maybe she liked me too. Last Thursday I decided to find out. After class I suggested that she come to my place to study for midterms together. She agreed immediately, which was a good sign. That night everything seemed to go perfectly. We studied for a while and then took a break. I could tell that she liked me, and I was attracted to her. I was getting excited. I started kissing her. I could tell that she really liked it. We started touching each other and it felt really good. All of a sudden she pulled away and said "Stop." I figured she didn't want me to think that she was "easy" or "loose." A lot of girls think they have to say "no" at first. I knew once I showed her what a good time she could have, and that I would respect her in the morning, it would be OK. I just ignored her protests and eventually she stopped struggling. I think, she liked it but afterwards she acted bummed out and cold. Who knows what her problem was?"

Phil: "I still don't understand what happened. Cindy and I had been dating for about two months and while we had not slept together yet, I had certainly made it clear that I was very attracted to her and eventually expected to have sex with her. We were supposed to go to a party and when she showed up in this sexy low-cut dress I thought maybe this was her way of saying she was ready. At the party we drank some beer, which made her sort of sleepy and sensual. When she said she wanted to go lie down and have me come snuggle with her, what was I supposed to think? Of course I thought she wanted to have sex. Granted, she did grumble a little when I started to undress her, but I just figured she wanted to be persuaded. Lots of women feel a little funny about being forward and want men to take responsibility for sex. I don't know. We had sex and it was fine. I took her home from the party, and I thought everything was OK. But ever since then she refuses to talk to me or go out with me. I thought she really liked me. What happened?

Cindy: "I'll never forget that night as long as I live. Phil and I had been dating awhile and he had always acted like a perfect gentleman--well, we had done our share of kissing but he never gave me any reason not to trust him. The night of the party I wore this gorgeous dress that I borrowed from my roommate. It was a little flashier that I normally wear but I thought it was very flattering. At the party I had some beer and it made me really tired so I wanted to lie down. Maybe I shouldn't have suggested we both lie down together, but it felt weird to just go upstairs by myself and leave Phil all alone. The next thing I know he was all over me, forcing me to have sex with him. It was horrible. I didn't want to scream and make a fool of myself with all those other people in the next room but I tried to fight him off. I guess I was just too wiped out to be very effective. Needless to say, I never want to see Phil again. He seemed like such a nice guy. What happened?"